tmi fridays

i wanted to post this for the tmi thursdays which sean got me into reading, but i'm terribly lazy. at any rate, this was an email thread over the past few days between some people of mine (sorry for not asking first), the names have been changed to protect the unfortunate.

*warning* the following contains childish subject matter and adult language. do not read while eating, drinking, flirting, driving, pregnant, operating heavy machinery.

Justin Hartwig- On a side note, how do you people wipe yourselves at the toilet? I go through my legs, which I thought everyone did (I mean, I never really thought about it). But 'Lil Ben Roethlisberger (4ish year-old son) refuses to do this and instead will only approach the wipe from the outside. I figured he was doing it wrong, but heard someone tell a story that made me think that *I* do it wrong. I mean, I've never seen anyone else do it before. So do you people access the wipe through the five-hole, or do you do the reach-around?

Matt Spaeth- Five-hole.

Travis Kirschke- What? It's not a reach-around, it's a reach behind. I reach behind my ass, and it makes perfect sense. If you're doing the five-hole thing and wiping from front to back, this seems like a ridiculous waste of energy. You are contorting yourselves unnecessarily. The anal region is easier to reach via the butt cheek entrance than the wee-wee entrance.

Had you polled me on the 10,000 most likely directions in which this thread would go, ass-wiping would not have made the list.

Justin Hartwig- This is fascinating. So, we seem to be evenly split so far between reach-arounders (or, as Travis Kirschke insists, reach-behinders) and through-the-leggers. For the record, I think it is a hell of a lot easier access between the legs (hell, it's right there!) than going blindly around the back.

Limas Sweed- You can't go between!! You want shit all over your balls!?

Heath Miller- Amen. Reach behind is the only way to wipe. I assumed the entire world wiped this way.

Justin Hartwig- Agreed that I think we all assumed there was only one way of doing this. I have been shaken to my core and question the very fabric of my being. I called my brother and dad, and apparently they reach behind as well and had no idea why anyone would go through the legs. I must honestly say that I had never even considered going outside the bowl.

If you Google "how do you wipe your ass", the first site that comes up is instructive (from some website called, unfortunately for this query, Random Salad). The site appears to be defunct so you have to use the cached version, and it's missing a few pieces. But essentially, the author had the same realization that we did and surveyed about 250 people. He was floored that anyone went through the legs (as he says: "It just doesn't make sense, to me, that a person would do this and never once think, 'gee, what if I tried not pushing feces towards my genitals?'"). His survey showed that about 40% of men go through the legs. Also, at least some women also apparently go this way.

What I also found stunning is that the author doesn't look at the paper before tossing it down. What? PLEASE tell me that you all look at the paper. How do you know when you're done? I'm floored that someone would not look at the paper before depositing into the bowl. Then again, if you're going around back, you have to take the paper back around, avoiding contact with clothing. With the through-the-legs move, you can keep it in the bowl, and just move it a few inches to make eye contact and verify. Point for me and Matt Spaeth. I at least know that I am not alone in the world on the look-at-the-paper thing, because I distinctly remember watching a comedian on TV in middle school asking how blind people know when they're done wiping their ass ("Do they ask their wife? 'Honey... I need you to proofread something for me!' ").

This whole episode makes me wonder whether there are other things that we do that we just take for granted are the only way. Like, after yesterday's discovery, I feel that it would now be possible for someone to say, "WAAA? You ejaculate out of your penis? I cum out of my eyes! It's fantastic!" Is there anything else mundane that we do in complete privacy for our entire lives? The only thing I could think of that would come close is putting in and taking out contact lenses. Except I think I'm the only one of this group that wears them. On another aside, how am I the only one of us with (non-reading) glasses (unless heath Miller and Limas Sweed actually wear theirs regularly these days. Oh, wait- -maybe that means they have contacts, too).

Oh, and as far as what I do with my balls, I have no idea -- I'm just on auto-pilot. I will try to carefully observe next time and report back.

Matt Spaeth- WARNING!!! This email is pretty descriptive about poo. But if you've been reading this thread, you know that already.

Anyway, I took a dump this morning and experimented with both methods of wiping. I maintain that the through-the-legs method is more efficient.

First, I noticed that when wiping through the legs, the back of my wrist and hand just naturally push the teig & berries to the side and slightly upward, so they're already out of the way by the time the wiping begins.

Second, I found that the five-hole is simply more comfortable than the reach-around/behind. I assume that you're sitting hunched forward to begin with (I could be wrong). In that case, it's actually a bit awkward to reach behind.

Thirdly, and I think lastly, I agree with Justin Hartwig that the "proofreading" is the biggest advantage of the five-hole method. If you reach behind, you have to proof read either by bringing the TP around front, or by leaning way forward while still keeping your arm behind you and in the toilet. Perhaps I am particularly inflexible, but this actually caused shoulder discomfort.

I think that's it. Basically, it's whatever you're used to.

Limas Sweed- This is way too funny. Justin Hartwig, I do have contacts. I’ve had contacts since 89'. I prefer my glasses cause I have that sexy professor thing going. Matt Spaeth, I simply lean to my left and wipe. I’ve never had a problem checking the TP to see if I’m done, but I can also tell by the amount of friction during the wipe. I really hope everyone looks before they're done, gross.

Have you ever heard of people standing to wipe? It was mentioned in some god awful movie I saw.

Jeff Reed- Okay, I only read the first few paragraphs of Matt Spaeth's email, because I obviously suffer from some fecal phobia.

Anyway, the more "comfortable" thing sounds like crap because the way you've been accustomed to doing it will feel more comfortable with you regardless. We have been accustoming our left hands to perform the maneuver since what? 4 and 5 years old? When the neuromuscular system was at its most elastic and adaptable.

Secondly -- this notion of having to reach "all the way around" and "inefficiencies". You make it sound like we're doing something dramatic.

Stand up, right now. Hang your left arm down casually beside you. Now touch the seat of your pants with the pads of your middle, index, and ring fingers covering the portion that is over your asshole.

See? How hard was that? Now lift your hand so you can see your fingers. You've just performed the checking maneuver. Toss the TP away and repeat as necessary.

By the way, I remember from potty training I had the hardest time remembering not to throw used TP in the wastepaper basket instead of the toilet.

Matt Spaeth- Jeff Reed, you wipe standing up?

Jeff Reed- Now I'm so fucking confused it's insane. You can wipe sitting down?

Justin Hartwig- WHAAAAT? I'm confused now, too. You wipe standing up? This is getting close to eye-ejaculation territory. For the record, I sit down to wipe, which until this very minute I thought would be as necessary to say as "I sit down to drive." If I thought about it, sure, I guess conceivable one could stand up to drive, Segway style. But why would I ever think about it. Plus, then all the stuff just bunches up as soon as you stand, making your task more difficult.

Jeff Reed- 1. When you sit down to wipe, what do you sit down on? Is it your butt? I would think that would cause a problem.

2. Looking down now, I see that I stand with about a 2-foot separate between my feet (not a "wide stance"). I turn my ankles out just about 5 degrees and I bend my knees about an inch. This provides all the necessary clearances for most work, though on occasion in heavy duty circumstances I may lean my right hand on the sink and tip forward a little.

Now, as to "heavy duty circumstances." Do you know what obliviates the need for that, sometimes? As I stand up to wipe, sometimes I'll give a little bounce -- like the urinary "jiggle". Many's the time I've achieved cleaner and more complete separation.

So you just stick you hand in the toilet bowl or what?

Limas Sweed- What the fuck Jeff Reed? Do you cum out of your eye? I've never seen you drive standing up though, but i wouldn't put it pass you now.

Jeff Reed- Travis Kirschke, back me up on this.

Travis Kirschke- Sorry, dude. I sit 98% of the time. Perhaps the occasional hover.

This thread should come with one of those "Unsubscribe" links at the bottom. ;)

Jeff Reed- Well I'll be snookered. Someone's going to have to pantomime this for me one of those days.

No, don't send me a YouTube link.

Justin Hartwig- Turns out I use the left hand to cup, pull, and protect the goods, while the right hand goes in for the wipe. I clearly should never go to India.

Travis Kirschke- Ok, maybe I have a small toilet bowl/seat or something, but I don't see how you do this. I tried sticking my hand in there, and it was just too much crowding. Between thighs, genitals, toilet seat, and water, it's like Big Ben threading the needle to Hines in triple coverage! I felt like I was accidentally going to put my hand in the soup.

Matt Spaeth- Just Hartwig, if you need two hands to wipe, how do you hold your reading material?

Justin Hartwig- I consider the shit to be officially over when wipetime comes, the
reading material is either placed on the vanity or laundry hamper (home), or folded up and placed on the shelf made by the toilet paper protector so that I can place it back into my pocket during the industrial-sized flush to mask any sound made by rustling paper, for heaven forbid that anyone know I bring reading material into the
bathroom with me while I shit. For those of you who watch How I Met My Mother, it was completely ridiculous that Marshall would so openly and cavalierly carry a magazine with him to the john while negotiating a gauntlet of co-workers. If there's a co-worker even IN the bathroom when I enter I just go to the urinal and pretend to pee until the person leaves so that I can enter the stall in complete anonymity. Heaven forbid that anyone know I ever expel feces.

Travis Kirschke, as for your comment about threading the needle, I guess I can
only say that after three decades of practice, this comes as complete second nature (probably after three weeks of practice, actually). My hand just knows how deep to get so as to get below the bum yet remain above the soup. I would like to think that there is a good foot and a half between my hand and what lies below, but for all I know, a human hair could not fit between. Practice just makes perfect, I guess. I assume the same would be said about the things I fail to understand
about the mechanics of your guys' system.

By the way, I feel that this thread is a monumental moment in all of
our relationship. In a good way.

Matt Spaeth- At work, I just surf the internet on my blackberry. I used to do Sudoku, in which case I would fold up the paper and put it in my pocket. I agree about Marshall. However, I don't care if people at work know that I poop, but I
do feel slightly embarrassed conspicuously bringing in a magazine. I don't know about a good way, but in some way, yes.

Jeff Reed- Well, all I can say is I think my way sounds much more civilized. Not only am I not sticking my hand down into a toilet bowl and hoping there's enough clearance (what do you do in the case of a pile or a swirly?), but I feel that by doing it upright I am doing it in the manner of a sentient, evolved life form. Very odd to think that I may be one in 1,000 though.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pop in Showgirls and rub my eyelids until my fingers get all sticky.